I have been trying to get this post done for a week now and have had no luck. As soon as I sit down to work on it, he fusses and cries. So of course I shut my laptop off and cater to his needs. And when I do get some down time, I take advantage of that time to get chores done, or sleep. Sleep usually wins. Life with a newborn has been a beautiful chaos. We still have yet to establish a routine. Its been tough to establish one because we have had visitors since before he was born. As soon as my family left, my mother in law came the day after. So we haven't really had the chance to just be by ourselves, which is both a blessing and a curse because I know once all the visitors are gone, i'll be left all alone for 90% of the time, and to be honest, I dont know how to be alone with Tristan. I dont know if its the hormones, but its been tough getting my emotions in check. One day, I'll wake up feeling great and amazing and then other days,  I just feel a little more miserable. I find myself dozing off once in a while to a place I know I can no longer go back to, because this is my life now. 

I hope what Im experiencing now isnt post-partum depression. You dont think it can happen to you, but these things are real. Giving birth is no joke and the imbalanced hormones doesn't help any. Recovery is just as important. Your entire life has just changed and you feel like you just cant catch up. When I first got out of the hospital they had me fill out a survey and when we were getting discharged, my nurse handed me a form and was told that someone should be contacting me regarding post-partum depression. I knew I felt different, but I wasn't sure if I would call it depression, but I guess better safe than sorry. So I accepted it. I got calls, plenty of them days after to make sure I was recovering fine and that wasn't having any thoughts of harming myself or the baby. Of course not, it never even crossed my mind. I do have days when I break down and cry.. A LOT! Like the ugly  girl sob, with matching sno coming out of my nose! Ha! Its just a mixture of lack of sleep, frustration, irritability, and yes.. these stinking imbalanced hormones! John has been amazing at trying to keep me calm and just lets me cry on him. I feel better afterwards, and then something triggers it again and Im back to crying. 

I knew motherhood wasn't going to be easy, but never fully understood just how tough it was until that first couples of nights home. I felt disconnected from Tristan and it was taking me a while to connect with him. I was having anxiety. I was told these were all normal, so I guess I wasn't going crazy. So for all the new mommas to be out there, if you think your emotional now... wait until you have given birth. Holy guacamole! Its 10x worse.. atleast for me it was. I cry at least once every other day. It drives me insane! I just want to feel like myself again... if thats even possible. 

As far as Tristan, he's been doing well for the most part. I had to take him to the doctors just before he turned one month because he was throwing up more than usual. He threw up four times within the span of an hour and a half and basically threw up everything he ate during that time. I freaked out a little because when I checked his temp it was at 99.5. So as a new momma, I didnt wanna risk it and off to the doctors we went. Doc said he was fine and that there isn't anything to be worried about. He's gaining weight beautifully. For a while, I was worried he wasn't getting enough from my breasts, but turns out he was getting more than enough.

There is so much more I want to write about, but my time is very limited. As im trying to type this, he is starting to fuss on his swing. So I will have about a minute to finish this off, and instead of postponing this post even more, I'll just end it here. I'll catch up on whatever I want to vent out in another post. I do apologize if my words and thoughts are so mumbo jumbo, thats just kind of my life now. Beautiful chaos!