I am now going on more than 8 weeks of breast feeding and it has been the most overwhelming journey I have had to face as a mother. My fear prior to giving birth was not being able to breast-feed Tristan. I would have horrible dreams about it. I was afraid that I wasn't going to be able to do it. I admit, I still struggle 'til this day. But after 8 weeks, I realized its not how I feed my baby, its about his wellness and health, whether it was formula or from my breasts. Im beating myself up for something that I really shouldn't. So just recently, I have decided to breast feed part-time. Some may not agree with me, but I have decided to do it and thats that. John totally supports and understands my decision and so does Tristan's pediatrician. Although she explained the benefits of breast-feeding (which I was already aware of), she didn't pressure me into anything. Believe me, if there was anyone harder on themselves about breastfeeding, it was myself. I would literally cry every night when he would fuss and cry so hard because he wasn't satisfied. And then there's days and nights where Im just so exhausted and my breasts just hurt so bad because he was latched on every 30 minutes/hour. It was just affecting me being a good mom to him because I would constantly worry about it. And thats probably where I went wrong. If I can do a do-over, I'd tell myself not to worry from the get go. Exhaustion and lack of sleep got the best of me.

Aside from personal reasons, I decided to introduce him to formula because there are times when I have fed him on both breasts and he is still not satisfied. He would cry for more even though he's been on them for a long period of time and he'd get frustrated and yanks my breasts. I assumed he wasnt getting as much. I also couldn't pump enough anymore to have a milk supply stacked up in the refrigerator. I used to be able to have atleast 4 bottles in the fridge ready to go. I've tried lactation cookies, pills, drinking tons of water and eating food with tons of broth. I would also try and pump every two hours in between feedings. I don't know if me being anemic has anything to do with my supply. I lost a lot of blood after delivery and my blood count decreased more than the doctors were expecting. So instead of kicking myself in the butt and wondering if he's getting enough, I just decided to supplement. I was back and forth on it for a  while, but John helped me with my decision when one night he came home from work and I just broke down. I still breast-feed, mainly in the wee hours and early morning and sometimes during the day. But since putting him on formula, I have been able to relax a bit more and not be so frustrated all the time. When I was exclusively breast-feeding, I was always worried and anxious. So before anyone tries to judge my decisions, understand that it was the best route to keeping my sanity and being able to care for him better. It saddens me that Im no longer 100% his source of nutrition, but I'm just glad he's healthy either way.

Taken at 8 weeks old.

I have accepted the fact that I'm just not producing enough, and I just feel it in my guts that I may have to completely stop breast feeding all together cuz im just dried out. I still latch him on even though I know he isn't getting much. He gets more milk on my right than my left. So when I feed him on my left, I supplement afterwards. I've cried about it, but Im done feeling sorry for myself. Tristan is doing just fine on formula; however, he still gets some of the benefits from my breast-milk. Its a win-win for both of us. The day I finally completely stop will be a sad, sad day. I'll miss him squeezing my boobs as if saying he wants more milk, or when his tiny little fingers scratch the sides of my back like he's trying to tickle me. It was definitely our way of bonding. As much as I would love to continue breast-feeding, I just know my time is coming to an end.