I wrote this piece back in February but never got a chance to publish because I wanted to edit it. Well I never got around to reading it again 'til today, and I didn't edit one thing. I think I've grown a little as a mother since this post, and it was nice to read it again knowing how far we (Tristan and I) have progressed since.

The transition has been an interesting experience thus far. However, come March, I'll be a 'work from home' mom? Thats a thing right? I'll be back to running our small photography business, but for the mean time I am a stay at home mom.  This is another thing that has been new to me... staying home and not working at all. I have been working since I was 15. I learned the value of money at a young age. Some people used to say/assumed I was spoiled, not knowing that I worked hard for what I had. Sure, my parents lent a helping hand here and there and would provide as best they could, but I was never spoiled. "Blessed, yes." Anyway, back to my original topic. Transitioning to being a complete SAHM has been difficult. I'm so used to having something to do, some place to be. 

Becoming a mother has definitely been a roller-coaster ride. I'm sure many moms can agree to that. It has its highs and lows. Its exciting, but at the same time scary. I am now responsible for another human being aside from myself, to make the situation even scarier, a tiny human being that at this point can't communicate with me. So it has been a daily struggle of trying to figure out what works for us and what doesnt, his likes and dislikes and everyday I find myself saying "it'll get better, just hold on. You'll get used to this lifestyle eventually." And then there's the pressure of being the kind of Mom that everyone says you "should be." As if the pressure of being a mom at all isn't enough. You have people constantly giving your their 2 cents. I don't mind advice, heck I ask for them all the time, but give them to me, don't attack me and make me feel like Im being a horrible mother because I don't do something a certain way or however someone else does it. So for all the new Mamas, do you. ;]

I knew becoming a mom wasn't going to be easy. From these past two months with Tristan, I can attest to that. What no one ever really discusses is how mind numbingly painful it could be. Everyday for the past two months, I have had the same routine, and I know this routine will be around for a while. I have never been glued to my couch for as long as I have since Tristan was born, and to be honest some days it drives me insane. Insane! Now I completely understand what all the Moms before me felt, and so I also know that there's a light at the end of this mind numbingly painful routine of ours.

People assume that because we stay at home that we have the easier end of the 'work load.' What some don't understand is, being a mother is a 24/7 job. You constantly have this baby attached to you because they'd rather fall asleep in your arms than in their bassinet. Some days I'd get lucky if I get 5 minutes to myself before the baby comes crying out. I have never had to eat so fast in my life that I don't even get the chance to savor the flavor. When he naps, its always a battle between deciding to eat, shower, clean, laundry, work on business stuff, or nap. Some days I try to tackle as much as I can with however long Tristan gives me. Sometimes its 5 minutes, sometimes I get 30. It's an amazing day when he naps for almost 2 hours. I rejoice in the glory of putting him down for that nap! You don't understand; when he naps for that long, I never know what to do with myself because Im so used to my time being so limited.  See, Tristan from the start has been a fussy baby, he can also be very clingy. But what newborn isn't? He's very clingy, so if Im not holding him, he cries his lungs out. I end up resorting to baby wearing to get anything done around the house. And yes, that includes using the bathroom. Listening to a baby cry for long periods of time throughout the entire day can make someone nuts, but as much as I'm not a fan of his cry, its his only way of communicating with me, so I go with it.

Some days I do get a little jealous that John gets to go to work. He gets his "me" time in the car, he gets to interact with other adults on the daily and do "adult" things. But, he reminds me that I get the better end because I get to stay home and bond with our son. I get to watch him grow every day, while he only hears the stories that I share with him. And he's right, there is nothing more that I wanted than to be able to witness all his milestones. I made this decision to stay home. As repetitive as it can be, I have to learn to embrace this new role of mine. And the day he finally says 'Mama,' I'll look back to the "horrible" days that led me to that moment, and tell myself it was all worth it.

Don't mistake this for me being ungrateful or complaining. This is my truth. Motherhood isn't all fun and games. I still have my meltdowns and cry some days. It takes a toll on you. Its a lot of work, hardships, tears, frustration, anxiety, but more importantly, its filled with unconditional love. Its hard to explain the type of love I feel for Tristan. As cliche as it sounds, I never knew a love like this. Where you can be crying one minute because you're so frustrated with everything, but I get one glimpse of his smile and its as if my entire world instantly got better. For that moment, I just want time to freeze. There is gonna be a day when he will no longer need me and he'll become independent. So I guess I should just treasure every moment I have with him when he's this little, right?

"Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own. To teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is... And to forgive yourself over and over again for doing everything wrong."

He has given me a new purpose in life.

Xx,
A Stay-at-Home Mama! <3